Hello Brain

Good Morning!

Well I finally got my brain back and my body, I hope.  This is the first day in MONTHS I have felt like I am worth a "hill of beans" much less like a functioning mommy.  But I have gotten chores done this morning that usually take me all day and still have energy left to finish the day.  The lesson I have learned, always get your sleep.

My weakness at night right now is online TV.  I know this is a weakness so I cutoff our cable 9 months ago or I would most definitely not get off the couch.  I also only allow myself to watch while sitting in an uncomfortable chair in front of the computer.  This keeps me from staying too long, at least I like to think so.  But my backside surprises me how long it can sit in an uncomfortable chair just to get a little peace and quiet.

This is the time of night that I should finish my chores and go to bed but I am reluctant.  That bed is so gosh darn bare without the DH around.  I don't like to get in unless I am passing out on the pillow so I wait until my tush can't take it and my eyes are closing on me.

My other distraction at night, I am ashamed to say, playing my son's computer game.  You know the kind where you build a colony and an army then attack the enemy colonies.  I am doing really well.  I have a Level 35 home city.  It took me months to get there.  Of course this started because DH wasn't around to help him learn his new game so I had to figure it out so I could teach him.  Then he wanted me to play for him to win his games.  Then he wanted to watch me play to learn.  Now we take turns.  The things a mom will do?!

A brief moment

Well a quick update - I may or may not have some virus that will not go away.  This could range from Mono to Epstein-Barr.  This also explains why I have not been blogging.  Apparently fighting a virus takes all my words away.  I pray for quick healing because everything has been put on hold and I am a little cabin feverish along with my boys.  I am going for bloodwork today so hopefully it will all be more clear what I am to do.

The boys are really anxious to watch the blood being drawn.  Boy 1 (6 yrs old) wants to know if they are going to use leeches to get it out.  The finer points of contamination and the more specific uses of leeches was then discussed.  He still wants to see the leeches though.  Well off to get partially dressed because I am too tired to take a shower.

At least I am not Job (from the bible not a job)

...which you may have figured out but you never know.

This is what I tell myself when I have those "pity parties" I had in my last post.  At least I have not lost my entire family, property, and home and wish to wear sack cloth or whatever that was.  After all that I might feel the same way, abandoned by God, but I didn't come even close.  So why all the fits?  I will guess it is my greedy flesh thinking all things should be easy because afterall I am a Christian, right?  Okay, some of you can stop laughing hysterically.  I know the God does not promise an easy life, in fact He promises the opposite.  I lose site of those promises and the even better ones like nothing can separate us from Him no matter what happens.  Taking refuge in His infinite power, faithfulness, perfection soon sets everything back in order.  I just wish I could remember it before I look silly throwing my little tantrums, crying "this isn't fair!".

I was reminded of how much worse everything could be recently.  I have seen friends and family struggle with more difficult situations than mine.  Sickness and heartache top that list.  Some who deal with both, others who have more difficult times with one or the other than I.  Through it all they remain faithful and I pray I can too without too many stumbles.  I suppose the stumbling and coming back is what increases our maturity and faithfulness.  God allows it to happen for reasons I am unaware of but still it is to His glory, because all things are.

Well, now I am rambling but things are better.  It is getting better, again.  I don't know why God chose to put up with me, but He did.  Everyday I am reminded that I don't deserve His love and grace but I am delighted that nothing can take it away, not even my own sinful ways.

Aaaaauuugggghhhhh!!!!!!!

Sorry to yell online, but that is about all I have in me in this moment.  Why do I choose to blog then, you ask?  So I can feel like I accomplished something.  I don't know why, but today I have not felt at all like anything has been done.  When I list it all it sounds better but the feeling of accomplishment still evades me.  The kids are fed, clean, and generally happy. We practiced violin, delivered a TV to Raleigh that we sold on Craislist (2 hour roundtrip), did 2 loads of laundry, picked up the playroom that was destroyed this morning, and I will be putting together the quilt top for a class that starts tomorrow.  I still feel like NOTHING has been done today.

Does anyone else feel like this through their days?  I have 3 boys after all.  I would post pics of what they did this morning to their playroom but my photo programs for editing are all still messed up and I am new to the blogging thing.  DH always fixes stuff for me on the computer but being out of the country kills that option.  I would try to do it myself but I can see him cringing at that idea because almost always has to redo what I do or undo it.  He is picky so it is just easier to wait until he returns.  Of course leaving things undone adds to my general sense of out of control, nothing gets finished around here.

Perhaps it is because I feel like a traveling circus just moving from the house to the car.  Or like a clown car, as the insanity piles out when we stop.  While delivering the TV to the strange person I don't know, the kids get out of the car, baby falls down, crying, screaming...sigh.  I am trying to pay attention to the strange man, who by all accounts seems honest but still being careful regardless.  I have made all the appropriate calls, brought our big dog (90 lbs), and have told the kids to remain strapped in the van.  Well, the big dog freaks, as usual, at the site of the stranger and makes herself as small as possible on the floor of the van.  I don't even think he knew she was there.  Kids unbuckle while I try to help him inside with the very heavy TV, something I was trying to avoid.  Now I have to pickup the crying little one who is screaming by now, give a "you are in big trouble" look to the older two and try to finish this transaction.

Now I checked with the DH, who is by the way military police, with a lot of training.  I truly trust his judgement above anyone else when it comes to safety.  He is very suspicious of everyone and if it was legal to run background checks on everyone he encounters he would.  He said it was okay to do this.  Had he not I would have turned around, really.

Next time I get to Texas I am so getting my concealed carry and our next dog is going to be bigger than 90lbs.  I am thinking around 130lbs and completely black! Actually, we already picked out the breed.  I really want a Black Russian Terrier.  I wouldn't worry as much then.

A good pry bar needed

How often do you have those days where nothing, I mean nothing seems to make you move? You walk past toys on the floor, your cringe at the sight of kitchen but you sneak out again hoping no one saw you, and you question the practice of making your bed everyday.

Today I am doing just that.  I am hiding on the computer from my chores.  Now being a temporary single parent there are somethings I cannot ignore, like cries for help or hunger. I have to do laundry lest we be naked. I must sleep.

But for the other little things like piles of toys, those will wait for tomorrow or the next day. Whatever day I finally get off the computer and back to reality.

For everything there is a season....

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven.  Ecclesiastes 3:1

I am reminded of this verse today as I recall our last year and the roller coaster it has been.  This time last year we were selling our home in TX and awaiting new orders from the Army.  We were hoping for Ft. Bragg but until those orders are printed there are no guarantees.  DH was still in school far away and I was home with the boys, dogs, and staging the house for showing.  I also had some surgery that could no longer wait.  We never did sell the house but leased it instead and had about a 10 day notice to get packed up.  Upon arriving in NC we learned that DH was assigned to the brigade that was deploying for a year and leaving in a month.

Here I was in a strange place, no church family, no friends, and soon no husband.  The pressure was intense.  At the time I would have told you I was fine and thought it was going to be fine, but looking back I see how hard that actually was for me.  I did crash initially, for about a month, but only God can pick you up and I was not in a praying place at all.  We weren't doing school, we were barely making it to church, and I wasn't sleeping.  God pulled me out of it enough to realize what was going on wasn't working.  We switched churches (something I do not take lightly), I made friends, and things got better.

Now this was an 8 month process.  I never questioned God's purpose for bringing us here.  I knew we were where He wanted us.  Many friends back in Texas questioned it but I never did.  My DH being in the middle of a war zone never bothered me. God can protect him just as well in combat as he can in North Carolina.  That nagging place in my heart reminding me of how much I missed him is what got me most everyday.  The constant thoughts of how much better things are when he is home is the thing that took part of the joy out of the day.

I say all this now because it started all over again.  He came home for his break after 8 months.  He was only able to stay for 15 days and part of me was thrilled to have him home.  The other part was dreading the inevitable crash which is where I find myself now.  I have been in an awful mood and it finally hit me why last night.  It was this mourning period that I went through the first time.  Another Army wife called it the mourning period which made so much sense to me.  You are experienceing a huge loss but we are caught in between.  Those of us that lose our spouses to deployment lose something big.  We have to exist day to day as if our spouse is gone, but emotionally they are not.  We are still married and have to now communicate electronically and via packages.  We know it will end but it is so very far away.

Please don't mistake this as a plea for pity.  I am in no way comparing this to someone actually losing their husband.  It is different in so many ways.  I think there are more people who can help when you actually lose your spouse or at least who are willing to help.  I get this blank stare and the most common phrase "that must be so hard for you" from most people.  They don't know and simply can't understand.  I know because I was that person 8 years ago before the deployments started.  Before the military took my husband away to schools, TDY, or simply out of the country.

I so appreciate that knowing look from other military wives who have been there.  Who know you have hit a wall, or need an activity, or simply don't ask that question.  It means you don't have to explain and you can relax.  You know she has been there too or worse.  I know several wives who are dealing with their 3rd 12 month deployment.  Those who had children while their husbands were away or major surgery.  We have been so blessed to have DH home for each birth.  I have moved 3 times without him, once while pregnant.  Our last move was his first.  Most wives don't ever have to imagine doing this without their husband.

But, seasons come and go.  Some day he will be on deployment and I will have teenage sons.  Soon he will be home from this deployment and we will pray he gets to stay for as long as possible.  Some day I may be sending a son on his first deployment and doing everything I can for his wife.  Whatever the season, I pray I bring glory to God in all I do.  I know He sustains me on nights when all I can do is cry while doing dishes.  I know He protects us while our Daddy is gone and Boy 1 is convinced there is a giant mouse in the attic.  Whatever the season we are never far away from God.

Blogging outside

I am a notorious indoor person.  I think it has something to with me being allergic to grass.  No part of me can touch anything green and plant like without some fairly itchy result.  I have been like this since I can remember.  I am also not very tolerant of insects and North Carolina is FULL of insects.  We have a large number of trees on the rental property which only increases the insect population, at least I am told.  I think it has something to do with the ability to hide from the birds.

But, as providence would have it I have been blessed with boys.  Boys have a need to be outside and should be.  It is healthy and good for their development, motor skills, social skills, dirt skills. I love watching my boys outside.  Now that we have this other laptop I can blog and watch my boys play outside. 

I don't know why it brings such joy to watch them coast up and down the driveway happily, but it does.  Perhaps because I know they are content enough to play without intervention.  They need the occasional "good job" and a few requests for "mommy look at me" but for the most part they are happy.

Well, although they are happy that computer is about to not be.  The rain is coming as it often does in North Carolina.  So I better run inside!