He made it home....

safe and sound!  DH made it home around 8 am Tuesday morning.  I had such plans to welcome him home after 11 months of Army food and desert air I thought I would do some special cooking.  I had planned brisket, mashed potatoes, green beans with bacon, and double chocolate pumpkin cheesecake.  All favorites and why would they not be favorites?!

Well, 5 pm the night before DS 2 was running a fever, then DS 3 started running a fever by 7 pm.  So my friend coming over that evening to help me cook and prepare was cancelled.  She has 4 kids of her own and I couldn't bear the thought of getting others ill for my convenience.  My other friend coming over to spend the night so I could meet DH on base at 5 am without waking up kidlets when he got off the plane was cancelled too.  By 11 pm that evening DS 2 threw up his Tylenol and his dinner which meant waking up DS 3 to change all the bedding.  At this point DS 3 is running 101 as well as DS 2, and DS 3 is not sleeping well at all.  By 3 am I finally decided to force motrin down the 2 year old and he falls asleep finally at 4 am.  Now I am a wreck and my husband who I have not seen since August and is coming home to stay will be home in a few hours.

I did get a message via another wife to let him know that we couldn't meet him so at least he wasn't looking for me.  But the idea that he was so close and I couldn't see him instantly didn't help my already sleep deprived mind.  So I got up at 7:15 and took a shower and tried to look as presentable as possible even though I knew he didn't care.  I cared!

Well, he got home and that is all that matters.  More later on how deployments remind me of pregnancy.  I never liked being pregnant.  I was miserable and sick the entire time.  Deployments really remind me of being pregnant.

What doesn't kill you...

makes you stronger?!  Who made this up?  This has got to be one of the most irritating statements you can make to someone in crisis.  This is one of the most irritating statements you can make to me.  What doesn't kill you makes you many things, and by default you grow stronger because you are not dead!

There are many things in the depraved sinful world that make you more mature, wise, with more highly developed defense mechanisms like sarcasm.  Is this what one would call stronger?  If that is the definition then I am a Super Hero because I am very sarcastic with a highly developed sense of distrust.  These are my instincts that have grow out of my tragedies and disappointments.  They leave me alone withy my criticism and dark nature to look at God's creation as something to be feared.

I think about this tonight as I wonder what all the military folks down at Ft. Hood are feeling and thinking.  What if that same thing happened on Post here?  How would I feel?  This event will not leave them stronger but simply traumatized.  Those who find themselves without God, without hope, without purpose, can see no greater glory in this event.  Some will see small blessings and second chances as they realize they had just been there or were running late because some fateful event stopped them.  Will they see God being glorified?  Will they praise Him in tribulation?  We are weak creatures and we are nothing without God.

Tragic events do not make us stronger.  They only illustrate our sinful foul nature.  I pray for those families tonight and for our soldiers still doing their work.  I pray they are comforted and for those who do not believe in Jesus I pray for their salvation.  Eternal hope is only found in Christ and we are no good without him, we are not strong.  Our strength is in Christ Jesus and in Him alone.

Practically Perfect in Every Way...

says Mary Poppins and the blissful state of happy childhood she projected over the screen.  I had an Effanbee Mary Poppins doll as a child but I was not allowed to play with her.  Mom bought us these dolls on our birthdays and Christmas then promptly put them behind glass to be adored from a far.  That doll cabinet was cleaned out a few years ago by my sisters and I was sent my dolls, or what we could all remember being my dolls.  I received 9 collector's dolls in perfect condition but most I could not remember being mine.  There were a few I could have sworn were my sister's but 9 there were, and now I had to do something with them.  For a few years they remained in the plastic containers they arrived in at my house at the top of my closet.  I have 3 boys who showed no interest in them other than target practice.  So I decided, finally to part with them as best I could.  They would fetch no money on eBay or Craigslist so they ultimately went to a sweet little girl at church who had a sister.  Of the nine, I decided to keep 2, one of those being Mary Poppins.


How far off was this image we all received as children of what our lives should have been, or at the very least how we were to be treated?  I am in a current state of confusion about my childhood which is for another post, but it was not happy and I was quite depressed as a child.  I have memories at the age of 5 wondering if anyone would notice if I lept off this bridge we were on while on vacation or if it would hurt to land next to the rusted out car smashed on the rocks below.  My mom grabbed me of course and I don't think I was very intent on actually doing it.  I was just checking to see if I fit between the bars when she noticed and we all left the bridge quickly after that.  She was already afraid of heights and my little stunt convinced her she was well founded in her fear.  There are more accounts of depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts which I am certain are shocking for most to think a child so young had experienced.

I am now 34, not depressed and have the joy of Christ's love and forgiveness that sustains me.  I am constantly reminded that I am not sufficient to do anything good or glorifying on my own.  It is brutally obvious everyday that I require God's intervention on every aspect of my life to achieve any sort of life that can be measured as good.  I will never achieve "Practically Perfect" but if I could then I would not require the redemptive work of Jesus Christ, none of us would.  But we all do require redemption for our sins if we are to spend eternity in heaven and not in hell.

After many years, I am grateful for my Mary Poppins doll.  I keep her in the top of my closet (for safety right now) so I can see her everyday as a reminder that there was only one perfect person ever to walk this earth and that person is not me.  So I take refuge in my savior, Jesus, and rest on God's promises, knowing that I am such a weak and broken creature who does not deserve the blessings I have received.  I am indeed very blessed.

Hello Brain

Good Morning!

Well I finally got my brain back and my body, I hope.  This is the first day in MONTHS I have felt like I am worth a "hill of beans" much less like a functioning mommy.  But I have gotten chores done this morning that usually take me all day and still have energy left to finish the day.  The lesson I have learned, always get your sleep.

My weakness at night right now is online TV.  I know this is a weakness so I cutoff our cable 9 months ago or I would most definitely not get off the couch.  I also only allow myself to watch while sitting in an uncomfortable chair in front of the computer.  This keeps me from staying too long, at least I like to think so.  But my backside surprises me how long it can sit in an uncomfortable chair just to get a little peace and quiet.

This is the time of night that I should finish my chores and go to bed but I am reluctant.  That bed is so gosh darn bare without the DH around.  I don't like to get in unless I am passing out on the pillow so I wait until my tush can't take it and my eyes are closing on me.

My other distraction at night, I am ashamed to say, playing my son's computer game.  You know the kind where you build a colony and an army then attack the enemy colonies.  I am doing really well.  I have a Level 35 home city.  It took me months to get there.  Of course this started because DH wasn't around to help him learn his new game so I had to figure it out so I could teach him.  Then he wanted me to play for him to win his games.  Then he wanted to watch me play to learn.  Now we take turns.  The things a mom will do?!

A brief moment

Well a quick update - I may or may not have some virus that will not go away.  This could range from Mono to Epstein-Barr.  This also explains why I have not been blogging.  Apparently fighting a virus takes all my words away.  I pray for quick healing because everything has been put on hold and I am a little cabin feverish along with my boys.  I am going for bloodwork today so hopefully it will all be more clear what I am to do.

The boys are really anxious to watch the blood being drawn.  Boy 1 (6 yrs old) wants to know if they are going to use leeches to get it out.  The finer points of contamination and the more specific uses of leeches was then discussed.  He still wants to see the leeches though.  Well off to get partially dressed because I am too tired to take a shower.

At least I am not Job (from the bible not a job)

...which you may have figured out but you never know.

This is what I tell myself when I have those "pity parties" I had in my last post.  At least I have not lost my entire family, property, and home and wish to wear sack cloth or whatever that was.  After all that I might feel the same way, abandoned by God, but I didn't come even close.  So why all the fits?  I will guess it is my greedy flesh thinking all things should be easy because afterall I am a Christian, right?  Okay, some of you can stop laughing hysterically.  I know the God does not promise an easy life, in fact He promises the opposite.  I lose site of those promises and the even better ones like nothing can separate us from Him no matter what happens.  Taking refuge in His infinite power, faithfulness, perfection soon sets everything back in order.  I just wish I could remember it before I look silly throwing my little tantrums, crying "this isn't fair!".

I was reminded of how much worse everything could be recently.  I have seen friends and family struggle with more difficult situations than mine.  Sickness and heartache top that list.  Some who deal with both, others who have more difficult times with one or the other than I.  Through it all they remain faithful and I pray I can too without too many stumbles.  I suppose the stumbling and coming back is what increases our maturity and faithfulness.  God allows it to happen for reasons I am unaware of but still it is to His glory, because all things are.

Well, now I am rambling but things are better.  It is getting better, again.  I don't know why God chose to put up with me, but He did.  Everyday I am reminded that I don't deserve His love and grace but I am delighted that nothing can take it away, not even my own sinful ways.

Aaaaauuugggghhhhh!!!!!!!

Sorry to yell online, but that is about all I have in me in this moment.  Why do I choose to blog then, you ask?  So I can feel like I accomplished something.  I don't know why, but today I have not felt at all like anything has been done.  When I list it all it sounds better but the feeling of accomplishment still evades me.  The kids are fed, clean, and generally happy. We practiced violin, delivered a TV to Raleigh that we sold on Craislist (2 hour roundtrip), did 2 loads of laundry, picked up the playroom that was destroyed this morning, and I will be putting together the quilt top for a class that starts tomorrow.  I still feel like NOTHING has been done today.

Does anyone else feel like this through their days?  I have 3 boys after all.  I would post pics of what they did this morning to their playroom but my photo programs for editing are all still messed up and I am new to the blogging thing.  DH always fixes stuff for me on the computer but being out of the country kills that option.  I would try to do it myself but I can see him cringing at that idea because almost always has to redo what I do or undo it.  He is picky so it is just easier to wait until he returns.  Of course leaving things undone adds to my general sense of out of control, nothing gets finished around here.

Perhaps it is because I feel like a traveling circus just moving from the house to the car.  Or like a clown car, as the insanity piles out when we stop.  While delivering the TV to the strange person I don't know, the kids get out of the car, baby falls down, crying, screaming...sigh.  I am trying to pay attention to the strange man, who by all accounts seems honest but still being careful regardless.  I have made all the appropriate calls, brought our big dog (90 lbs), and have told the kids to remain strapped in the van.  Well, the big dog freaks, as usual, at the site of the stranger and makes herself as small as possible on the floor of the van.  I don't even think he knew she was there.  Kids unbuckle while I try to help him inside with the very heavy TV, something I was trying to avoid.  Now I have to pickup the crying little one who is screaming by now, give a "you are in big trouble" look to the older two and try to finish this transaction.

Now I checked with the DH, who is by the way military police, with a lot of training.  I truly trust his judgement above anyone else when it comes to safety.  He is very suspicious of everyone and if it was legal to run background checks on everyone he encounters he would.  He said it was okay to do this.  Had he not I would have turned around, really.

Next time I get to Texas I am so getting my concealed carry and our next dog is going to be bigger than 90lbs.  I am thinking around 130lbs and completely black! Actually, we already picked out the breed.  I really want a Black Russian Terrier.  I wouldn't worry as much then.