Do you ever feel crushed? So pressed in on all sides you can't breathe? I felt like that 15 years ago when I first started this blog. I feel like that now. I thought it was because I didn't have my husband with me while I tried to raise three very young boys. I thought it was because something else was claiming his time as its own. I thought it was because we had no money and we needed so many "things". I was wrong then and I know I must be wrong now.
As I push and pull myself through one of the most difficult times in my life I realize I am doing the same things I was doing then. Because this time my husband isn't out of the country or going to war. This time we have plenty of money but still seem to have none. This time I have three almost grown boys figuring life out some times dangerously and a husband that chose another career by which he is consumed. Looking back at that moment I can see that now the only difference is I have experience.
Not experience with hard moments or doing them any better than I do them. I am still the same weak sinful creature falling on the floor, crying out for it to stop. Crying out that she can't take anymore because she can't. Screaming internally for more strength, more time, more something to fix these trials. Anything, she cries, anything to make them stop. But they do not stop.
How did I get through last time? God brought me friends. Friends that led me through, led me to comfort in Christ, brought me to every little moment I needed to survive.
This time it is harder and I do not have those friends. I don't know where to find them. I do know where to ask and where to seek help. This is my new prayer for the moment. My idols are huge but my Lord is enormous, without end. I pray I can find comfort here.
Psalm 51 - Have mercy on me,[a] O God,
according to your steadfast love;
according to your abundant mercy
blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity,
and cleanse me from my sin!
3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is ever before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you may be justified in your words
and blameless in your judgment.
5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity,
and in sin did my mother conceive me.
6 Behold, you delight in truth in the inward being,
and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart.
https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=psalm%2051&version=ESV
