Saturday, September 11, 2004


I know I haven't posted in awhile but I noticed my beloved friend who has been enduring radiation and chemo treatments has out blogged me 2 to 1. I have no such excuse so I thought I should sit my lazy, distracted butt down and type out a blog just to say I did it.

It has taken a lot to even remember I can do this. But I do like the process and I am hoping it will ultimately help in the long run.

Nothing much is going on. I have been totally consumed with house duties and the never ending picking up after the children and my 3 dogs. My thoughts are running towards money making ideas that fit into my lifestyle of a SAHM.

The title of "Stay At Home Mom" certainly can mean many things. My mother was considered a SAHM by today's standard but rarely stayed at home. At home, a woman is left to her own devices to control, mold, and occupy her day. With no one standing over her (i.e. a boss) and the only demands are those of the little ones she can pretty much do as she pleases. RIGHT?!

Well, life is what you make........Carpe Diem........and some other cliche to make you feel better!!!!

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

JPB Tea Party

As most women know, there is the occasional time a "Tea Party" is needed.  There is nothing virtuous or redeeming about the tea party, but it is necessary to prevent unneeded arguments with the DH and other punishment type events for the loved ones around you.

This evening I was happily rewarded, after 19 months of "mommy prison", with the opportunity to pick up my sister at the airport with her friend and have dinner at a restaurant without the DH or DC (dear child).  This would be my first actual outing that didn't involve grocery shopping or some other mundane errand that took place only after the DC was put to bed for the evening.  Unfortunately, the rain delayed the flight and made traffic horrific.  I thought, after speaking to my sister, the flight would only be delayed an hour and so I continued on to the airport and opted to sit, read, and enjoy the freedom, expecting her to land shortly.  After another hour I checked with the DH to see (via internet) if the flight was coming soon.  He informed me it was redirected and wouldn 't be in for another 2 hours.  He then added that I should had listened to him before and come home the first time he said instead of continuing on with my quest for freedom.

I cannot decide at this point if I am angry/upset about the disappointing evening or my DH utter lack of understanding for my needs and desires.   Perhaps I underestimated my desire to get out of the house and need for mental stimulation that didn't require simultaneously wrangling 3 dogs, picking up toys, listening to ESPN, and working on whatever project I had chosen for the evening.   I know I will get over it in the morning but tonight my feelings are hurt.  The DH did pick up on that much and tried to make up for it by half way cleaning the kitchen.  Somehow it falls short but will have to do.  When people talked about compromise in marriage I never thought it would be like this.  I have to compromise on my feelings and how I express them.  I have to hold my tongue because what I have to say/express is not worth the consequence that follows.  I have to control emotions I never knew should be controlled.

Once again, back to childhood, I was not taught to do such things.  Now I experience the consequences of my parents lack of discipline and guidance, AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!  Wow, this excuse is getting worn out.

Thursday, July 22, 2004

On the blog the again, just can't wait......

I am back after weeks of hard work and no rest.  My dh has returned from 5 weeks of military training.  Even though he completely missed our move into the house he has been working without complaint ever since he got home.  Which is a change from before.  Maybe it is the house or the new level of responsibility but I like it so I will not question the new attitude.  However, I will question myself and how I handled the stress.

"THEY SAY" buying a house and moving are two of the most stressful things a couple can do.  On top of that my dh was deployed to TN for an academy, and I (insanely) got him a puppy for his birthday which had to be picked up two weeks before our closing and move-in.  This is of course an addition to our two existing dogs and my toddler.  I say all this to paint a picture for you of my situation.  The week of move-in everything fell apart as far as the help I thought I would have, and if it were not for my mother and a fabulous church family I would have been completely out of luck.  Plus, the hot water heater went out and we were taking cold showers for 2 days. 

I am not sharing all this for sympathy or admiration for my perserverance, but for an objective observation of my character.  As a child many adults thought me to be strong and able to handle many things others could not.  I thought that was an admirable quality and I often strived to reflect it.  The "self-fulfilling prophecy" effect took hold, and whether or not I was truly strong I was going to show that I was regardless of my needs.  I thought being strong meant handling things on you own, not getting upset or showing emotion, and that you didn't need people to live your life.  Later in life, after many traumatic events, broken hearts, and shattered dreams, I realized I was not strong and needed many things.  I am incredibly weak and often cry.  I get lonely quite easily, and much like everyone else in the world I want people around me, a lot.   But........because I tried so hard to be what I was not, I don't know how to ask for help nor am I good at being a friend.  Showing any kind of weakness is emotionally very difficult and causes me much anxiety.  My own mother has often stated she doesn't feel like she really knows who I am.  Well, neither do I.

So when stressful events come up (and they often do, at least in my life) I like to take the opportunity to reflect on my behavior and learn about my true character.  I found that I am stonger than I thought but I wish I wasn't.  I think people view someone they consider strong as not needing anything.  So they are less likely to offer assistance or call to check on you.  Also, I think they find it intimidating which I have been told I am.  I mainly feel misunderstood, like Mr. Darcy (Pride and Prejudice) and did not intend to come across as rude.   Additionally, the moving situation forced me to ask for help, which always pains me to do but I had no other choice.  Especially asking for help from my mother is particularly hard.  However, she was pleasant and agreeable this time so it wasn't that bad.  I was better able to handle the frustrations and problems throughout the weeks mainly because there was nothing left to do.  I don't think I had ever been forced to "the end of my rope" like I was with this situation.  I knew it would end soon but in the midst of it there was nothing left to do but get it done.  When I felt anger or overwhelmed or pity I simply had to put it aside.  There was no time or energy left for me to experience or deal with these feelings or even to get over them.  I had never had that before and it left me with a knew skill.

Often I get upset over small things that are not important nor should they be consuming my time.  Before I would analyze them and try to figure everything out that I could.  This would never do any good and I rarely learned much about myself.  I have wasted many many many hours at this.  I fell into several serious depressions in college doing this and have much anxiety over trivial things.  It never occurred to me to simply put it aside and keep going.  Things really do work themselves out sometimes.  Now, I realize not everything is like that and the ability discern what requires attention and what can be forgotten is vital.  However, the amount of time and energy I have just freed up for myself is invaluable.  I may be able to learn a second language or pick up a second instrument.

SO at the end of it all I am much better than when it started and feel blessed beyond what I ever thought possible.  The pressure of all the events weighing down on me made me a better and different person.  Times like these always remind me of the scripture He is the potter we are the clay thing.  All that forming and shaping, working with the clay can really hurt but when its over you are more beautiful than you were when God started working on you.  Of course then there is the firing and hardening which is really painful too.  Then God decides you need to look more beautiful and it starts all over because He is God and gets to do whatever he wants, but that is another blog.

Thursday, June 10, 2004


Have you ever had a dream that stayed with you throughout the day. Or one that haunted your subconscious, knawing on memories and feelings best left in the past.

I often have such dreams, usually triggered by a smell, song, or someone who looked familiar but wasn't that person. I am still uncertain as to the remedy of getting such thoughts out of my head and regaining control of my daydreams. Usually the thoughts leave after a few days, especially where ex-boyfriends are concerned. I actually avoid certain TV shows because it is too familiar and tugs too hard at my heart that was broken many years before.

As to the meaning of such dreams, I am also at a loss. Some would tell you they are the desires of the subconscious surfacing when our conscious self is asleep. Some would interpret the potential symbolism the characters in the dreams. From water representing sex to every character in the dream is you, I have heard many answers and none seem to quite fit.

My dreams are often a reflection of my day or life events. If I am frustrated with no outlet I will have dreams about my sister who frustrates me the most. She is usually doing something that she did when we were children only she is now and adult in the dream. I wake extremely angry and frustrated at her and everything around me. If I have an argument with my husband and go to bed with it unresolved, or some unreasonable expectation I have of him is not being met I will have dreams of ex-boyfriends. Although, in each of the dreams of ex-boyfriends I usually consider dating them as they try to gain my affections, but in the end I reject because I love my husband too much. I am not saying this as a representation of my love for my husband. It is simply what has happened in my dreams recently which pleases me to no end that even subconsciously I love him deeply. My favorite and most empowering dreams are those of ex-boyfriends who come back to win me over and I reject them harshly in some humiliating manner. Making them extremely distraught and wishing they had never given me up in the first place, although I usually dumped them.

So, my question to those who read this little blog of mine is: What are your most distracting dreams and how do you deal with them?

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I am on a roll, a kaiser roll

At some point to, far down the road, I am goin to stop being amazed that I am actually still doing this. Which I have just decided is today's topic.

Consistency, Habits, Routine, whatever you may call it, those things we do everyday that make us who we are, or who we are not. Of course being something I have struggled with I have given the topic much thought.

Many, many, many ideas on how to achieve these daily actions that will improve or disrupt our lives. There are books, classes, and even professional organizers who will come into your home and create habit forming spaces just for you. So obviously many people struggle with it. I myself have shelled mucho bucks on planners, planner software, planner pages, books on prioritizing, file folders, better organize my life and my time. Sadly, I always fall short and abondone said activity in the name of laziness and sheer lack of desire. Somehow I have managed to pay my bills, cook dinner, and all the other things to take you through daily life.

My first question, after all that, would be why do I desire to improve upon my current state of disarray? Secondly, is it necessarily an improvement if you are miserable or all consumed with organization that you miss the more important things, like playing with your children or reading a good book.

To answer the first question: I strive to make the improvements to be more productive. However, I have learned there is a limit to productivity if you are unwilling to sacrifice. Everyone has heard of the listing your priorities and making goals for those priorities. This is part of the Franklin Covey stuff, the big Planner/Life organizer company. I have been doing this since high school. It never really made sense or was completely applicable until recently. I learned there are several things I see other people sacrificing that I am unwilling to do. For instance, time with my son or husband. They are the first priority and any thing that doesn't fit in or conflicts with their time I simply do away with. This has consequently made me unproductive as a money maker or house cleaner.

I also strive for improvements because my mother told me to. How many of us drive ourselves into the ground to do something our parents drilled into our head as a child but conflicts with our current belief system as adults. My mother was and still is a cleaning nut! Her measure of a good wife/mother is based upon the cleanliness of the home, just like her mother, and how pretty you look. Although I know this to be untrue I learned this lesson clearly as a child. Every Saturday was spent cleaning, usually motivated by mother screaming or nagging us into completing the chores assigned. We rebelled by doing them slowly, or as a teenager arguing the illogical notion that it was my room and I could keep it however I wanted. Even though I have been out of my parents house for 11 years now, I can still hear Mom screaming and nagging when I look at the pile of dirty dishes in my sink or the unmade bed. The guilt of not pleasing her is still present. The disappointment I must be to at least part of her nags at my soul. As for looking pretty, my husband thinks I look great, and I tell myself that is all that matters. Sometimes it doesn't feel true but that is a completely separate topic for which therapy has been required.

Second question: Is it truely an improvement if you are miserable? Well, I believe that depends on what you are improving. If you are trying to quit smoking, eat more healthy, or exercising and it will save your life, then yes it is an improvement and will eventually not be miserable. However, I believe I am speaking of more subjective things, such as how often you clean your bathroom or vacuum the floor. I have recently been exploring my limit to how long I can go without cleaning the "house". It was longer but the presence of my son has lowered my tolerance for dirty floors and bathrooms. I am still uncertain of the exact limit. IT is often confused with boughts of depression and stress, but I am determined to prevail and discover my true limits and not default to my mother's.

My long thought theory on how, why, and when we form our habits/routines and the level of consistency we maintain with them is fairly simple. (This is a little Dr. Phil, but...) Our childhood combined with the reward we receive compels us to continue repeating these activities.

SOOOOOOO, blogging is apparently rewarding. It is something my mother has never done so she can have no influence in the arena, nor do I let her read this. I receive much needed venting and mental exercise. I also feel I have accomplished something toward my goal of self-improvement. I get a gold star for today!

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

For Everything there is a season, and seasons change

CHANGE - is it easy for anyone. My dearest friend in the whole world lives a very changing life. She sets off on adventures during the summer and teaches high school students theater. A more changing career I cannot imagine. This summer as proven to be here most changing yet, she has cancer and will be undergoing surgery, chemo, and radiation. I must say she has handled the whole thing much more grace than I would ever imagine myself having, and has managed to look more fabulous than ever at the same time.

Our most recent change, along with buying our first house, occurred last week. My DH will be shipping off to some military academy school for 5 weeks. We found out Wednesday and he had to leave Sunday. Meaning I will be moving all by my little self. Of course I have done it before because he has been gone on military deployments for the last 2 moves we have done. I wonder if he doesn't plan it somehow but he is too honest to not tell me what he is done, so I must trust him.

All that being said, I often wonder how others handle change in their lives. I struggle with this often as a product of my husband's recent military adventures, our new son, and my overwhelming need to control. I get unsolicted advice from my mom and sister who both have never experienced much change or stress. Both married their high school sweetheart and continously dated them from high school until marriage. Both have lived relatively close to home, my sister leaving briefly for college but returning soon after her husband graduated. Both are extremely "well off" and have little to want for or worry about being able to pay bills. Both have been separated at most a week from their husbands. Neither have struggled with boyfriends, career goals, or juggling finances.

My other sister, a year younger than me, has experienced many hardships, maybe more than myself. (TO clarify, I have 3 sisters, one older, one a year younger, and the baby is 15, I also have one bother who is 19. He will be here after referred to as the anointed one - AO) She married young, her high school sweetheart, divorced after he cheated on her, and left her with a 2 year-old daughter. She moved to Virginia when they were first married and home when he was to get out of the Navy. He refused to come back home and shacked up with a girl. He eventually came home but only after some coaxing and they have since rectified and remarriend. They are both much wiser and it seems as if it will workout this time. It between she struggled to make ends meet, developed mild epilepsy after being exposed to mold spores, and stuggles with painful endometriosis. Her fortitude and perserverance is admirable, but consequently she is too harsh and overbearing at times. We often argue and I struggle not to resent her for reasons that I am not totally clear on.

TO BE CONTINUED.....the munchkin is awake!!!!

Sunday, May 30, 2004

Daily Frustrations

Okay, well today is just an extra frustating day. My son is reaching the tantrum phase and I am reaching the "if this house stays dirty one more day" stage. What is about a screaming toddler that makes you want to scream too. Fortunately, I am not alone and most every mother in the world goes through this too, or so I am told.

Drinking early in the day has crossed my mind, but my Baptist upbringing will not allow me to cross that line. Drinking more than once a month brings on pangs of guilt, much less drinking daily. My mother's voice is ringing in my head as I look at the piles of laundry, dishes, and toys that need to be put away.

On top of all that I have twenty other things not household related that need to be done. I would really like to strangle that woman who "does it all" and makes us all feel less. As if we need to take a pill for more energy or to make us less depressed because we can not "do it all".

Excuse me while I step on my soap box.

Woman's Liberation brings a passionate cry of "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?!". The idea of being equal to men or able to do everything they can but better is laughable. Are you kidding me?!

First, why do women want what men have? Men are burdened with making the money to support the family, being the moral leader, answering to God for the family, fixing the car, squashing the bug, mowing the lawn, teaching the children how to play sports, and checking out that funny noise in the middle of the night in his underwear. The woman who wants all that responsibility be my guest. However, don't you dare make me feel inadequate for not walking down that path with you.

Second, the fundamental differences of men and woman and their inherent purpose is unmistakeable. IT is almost as if someone designed them like this. Woman are more global thinkers, multi-tasking the 20 things an hour it takes to keep a home, children, and husband all in running order. Men tend to have a much more narrow focus.

This has turned out to be much longer than anticipated. More later!!!!

Monday, May 24, 2004

Hello again

Okay, today is an extra long nap so I am going to try to get a little more done. The house thing is still moving slowly and things still are overwhelming. Everytime I turn around there is something else to be done and I don't know how to get it accomplished. Of course when there is something else it inevitably means an argument with the DH (dear Husband). Everytime we argue we realize we are just stressed and taking it out on the other. I don't know why we can't stop our selves, but we are getting better at saying we are sorry.

My latest goal, other than the twenty things I already have going on, is to work on not saying bad things about my DH. It is difficult because it seems to be a socially reinforced form of communicating with other women. It is also difficult to distinguish between venting (which is necessary) and disparaging remarks. After venting about my DH and hearing about other DH, I feel less alone or as if my DH is completely weird and needs therapy. He is just like all the other DHs out there. In turn I am less hard on him regarding little things, so it ultimately helps.

My sister has the best story on why you should watch what you say about your DH. She was complaining about an isolated incident when her DH was being stubborn and a little hard headed. She complained a few times to one person at church, but this being all the individaul heard about the DH she assumed he was like that all the time. The friend then seriously inquired about my sister's treatment, implying spousal abuse. My sister quickly explained and they laughed giving my brother-in-law the nickname Hitler. It is only funny because he is the exact opposite. However, it was a great lesson on watching what you say.

Well, out of stuff to say. Some more tomorrow!!!!!!

Friday, May 21, 2004

First time

Well inspired by my lovely and dearest friend Erin, I am going to trying blogging just for kicks. I doubt it will come out as eloquently as Erin's does but maybe with time it will not be dull and mundane as I suspect it will.

I realize that I don't have much worth writing about. My daily struggles range from cleaning house, patience with my toddler, and generally staying in a good mood. I have a tendency to get depressed, especially when I feel someone important to me may think badly of me. I am usually wrong and I only write about it to better sort it out in my head. I also get a little depressed when my husband leaves for his work (3 days at a time) and I am single parenting without a car. I am trapped in the house for 3 days. Some can do this, I can not I have discovered but there are no means to remedy the situation, at least not in the short term.

We are in middle of purchasing a house and are far from closing. This is our first experience and it has been God directed from step one. I feel very blessed to be able to buy a house. However, my family has managed to screw it up for me emotionally, as usual.

Oh well, more on them later. That would take too much time and nap time is very short.
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