Thursday, June 10, 2004


Have you ever had a dream that stayed with you throughout the day. Or one that haunted your subconscious, knawing on memories and feelings best left in the past.

I often have such dreams, usually triggered by a smell, song, or someone who looked familiar but wasn't that person. I am still uncertain as to the remedy of getting such thoughts out of my head and regaining control of my daydreams. Usually the thoughts leave after a few days, especially where ex-boyfriends are concerned. I actually avoid certain TV shows because it is too familiar and tugs too hard at my heart that was broken many years before.

As to the meaning of such dreams, I am also at a loss. Some would tell you they are the desires of the subconscious surfacing when our conscious self is asleep. Some would interpret the potential symbolism the characters in the dreams. From water representing sex to every character in the dream is you, I have heard many answers and none seem to quite fit.

My dreams are often a reflection of my day or life events. If I am frustrated with no outlet I will have dreams about my sister who frustrates me the most. She is usually doing something that she did when we were children only she is now and adult in the dream. I wake extremely angry and frustrated at her and everything around me. If I have an argument with my husband and go to bed with it unresolved, or some unreasonable expectation I have of him is not being met I will have dreams of ex-boyfriends. Although, in each of the dreams of ex-boyfriends I usually consider dating them as they try to gain my affections, but in the end I reject because I love my husband too much. I am not saying this as a representation of my love for my husband. It is simply what has happened in my dreams recently which pleases me to no end that even subconsciously I love him deeply. My favorite and most empowering dreams are those of ex-boyfriends who come back to win me over and I reject them harshly in some humiliating manner. Making them extremely distraught and wishing they had never given me up in the first place, although I usually dumped them.

So, my question to those who read this little blog of mine is: What are your most distracting dreams and how do you deal with them?

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

I am on a roll, a kaiser roll

At some point to, far down the road, I am goin to stop being amazed that I am actually still doing this. Which I have just decided is today's topic.

Consistency, Habits, Routine, whatever you may call it, those things we do everyday that make us who we are, or who we are not. Of course being something I have struggled with I have given the topic much thought.

Many, many, many ideas on how to achieve these daily actions that will improve or disrupt our lives. There are books, classes, and even professional organizers who will come into your home and create habit forming spaces just for you. So obviously many people struggle with it. I myself have shelled mucho bucks on planners, planner software, planner pages, books on prioritizing, file folders, better organize my life and my time. Sadly, I always fall short and abondone said activity in the name of laziness and sheer lack of desire. Somehow I have managed to pay my bills, cook dinner, and all the other things to take you through daily life.

My first question, after all that, would be why do I desire to improve upon my current state of disarray? Secondly, is it necessarily an improvement if you are miserable or all consumed with organization that you miss the more important things, like playing with your children or reading a good book.

To answer the first question: I strive to make the improvements to be more productive. However, I have learned there is a limit to productivity if you are unwilling to sacrifice. Everyone has heard of the listing your priorities and making goals for those priorities. This is part of the Franklin Covey stuff, the big Planner/Life organizer company. I have been doing this since high school. It never really made sense or was completely applicable until recently. I learned there are several things I see other people sacrificing that I am unwilling to do. For instance, time with my son or husband. They are the first priority and any thing that doesn't fit in or conflicts with their time I simply do away with. This has consequently made me unproductive as a money maker or house cleaner.

I also strive for improvements because my mother told me to. How many of us drive ourselves into the ground to do something our parents drilled into our head as a child but conflicts with our current belief system as adults. My mother was and still is a cleaning nut! Her measure of a good wife/mother is based upon the cleanliness of the home, just like her mother, and how pretty you look. Although I know this to be untrue I learned this lesson clearly as a child. Every Saturday was spent cleaning, usually motivated by mother screaming or nagging us into completing the chores assigned. We rebelled by doing them slowly, or as a teenager arguing the illogical notion that it was my room and I could keep it however I wanted. Even though I have been out of my parents house for 11 years now, I can still hear Mom screaming and nagging when I look at the pile of dirty dishes in my sink or the unmade bed. The guilt of not pleasing her is still present. The disappointment I must be to at least part of her nags at my soul. As for looking pretty, my husband thinks I look great, and I tell myself that is all that matters. Sometimes it doesn't feel true but that is a completely separate topic for which therapy has been required.

Second question: Is it truely an improvement if you are miserable? Well, I believe that depends on what you are improving. If you are trying to quit smoking, eat more healthy, or exercising and it will save your life, then yes it is an improvement and will eventually not be miserable. However, I believe I am speaking of more subjective things, such as how often you clean your bathroom or vacuum the floor. I have recently been exploring my limit to how long I can go without cleaning the "house". It was longer but the presence of my son has lowered my tolerance for dirty floors and bathrooms. I am still uncertain of the exact limit. IT is often confused with boughts of depression and stress, but I am determined to prevail and discover my true limits and not default to my mother's.

My long thought theory on how, why, and when we form our habits/routines and the level of consistency we maintain with them is fairly simple. (This is a little Dr. Phil, but...) Our childhood combined with the reward we receive compels us to continue repeating these activities.

SOOOOOOO, blogging is apparently rewarding. It is something my mother has never done so she can have no influence in the arena, nor do I let her read this. I receive much needed venting and mental exercise. I also feel I have accomplished something toward my goal of self-improvement. I get a gold star for today!

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

For Everything there is a season, and seasons change

CHANGE - is it easy for anyone. My dearest friend in the whole world lives a very changing life. She sets off on adventures during the summer and teaches high school students theater. A more changing career I cannot imagine. This summer as proven to be here most changing yet, she has cancer and will be undergoing surgery, chemo, and radiation. I must say she has handled the whole thing much more grace than I would ever imagine myself having, and has managed to look more fabulous than ever at the same time.

Our most recent change, along with buying our first house, occurred last week. My DH will be shipping off to some military academy school for 5 weeks. We found out Wednesday and he had to leave Sunday. Meaning I will be moving all by my little self. Of course I have done it before because he has been gone on military deployments for the last 2 moves we have done. I wonder if he doesn't plan it somehow but he is too honest to not tell me what he is done, so I must trust him.

All that being said, I often wonder how others handle change in their lives. I struggle with this often as a product of my husband's recent military adventures, our new son, and my overwhelming need to control. I get unsolicted advice from my mom and sister who both have never experienced much change or stress. Both married their high school sweetheart and continously dated them from high school until marriage. Both have lived relatively close to home, my sister leaving briefly for college but returning soon after her husband graduated. Both are extremely "well off" and have little to want for or worry about being able to pay bills. Both have been separated at most a week from their husbands. Neither have struggled with boyfriends, career goals, or juggling finances.

My other sister, a year younger than me, has experienced many hardships, maybe more than myself. (TO clarify, I have 3 sisters, one older, one a year younger, and the baby is 15, I also have one bother who is 19. He will be here after referred to as the anointed one - AO) She married young, her high school sweetheart, divorced after he cheated on her, and left her with a 2 year-old daughter. She moved to Virginia when they were first married and home when he was to get out of the Navy. He refused to come back home and shacked up with a girl. He eventually came home but only after some coaxing and they have since rectified and remarriend. They are both much wiser and it seems as if it will workout this time. It between she struggled to make ends meet, developed mild epilepsy after being exposed to mold spores, and stuggles with painful endometriosis. Her fortitude and perserverance is admirable, but consequently she is too harsh and overbearing at times. We often argue and I struggle not to resent her for reasons that I am not totally clear on.

TO BE CONTINUED.....the munchkin is awake!!!!

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